Review: The Amazing Spider-Man 2 (2014)

Snap Judgment: What is with Spider Man movies being overstuffed with villains? Did nobody learn anything from the accidental comedy that was Spider Man 3? This movie had one, two, THREE supervillains - as if the movie did not trust itself to be exciting enough with just a single villain.

 First there’s Electro, played by Jamie Foxx, who as a human was a sad-sack Spiderman super fan, but as a superpowered individual inexplicably becomes evil and hates Spiderman (isn’t it more likely that he’d want to be Spiderman’s super buddy? He doesn’t even try that). Electro develops his powers because apparently all Oscorp creations have a taste for human flesh (Parker’s spider, really, really angry electric eels, etc.).  But mostly because everyone at OsCorp leaves at 5pm on the dot and maintenance refuses to do its fucking job, even when there’s sparking electrical wires in a critical lab. I guess when your company is managed by a dynasty of evil goblins, there’s no real incentive to be a good employee. Speaking of evil goblins, Harry Osborne shows up to be villain number 2, Green Goblin. With his ashy blond floppy comb-over, pallid skin, skinny frame, and the ice blue eyes of a Siberian husky, this incarnation of Harry Osborn looks like a cross between a Hitler Youth and the lead singer in a 90s emo band. This is hilariously played out in his clothing choices. He first appears in a 1930s wool vest, a crisp white shirt and a tie pin (read: I’m a sad little rich boy). Then later when he starts angrily moping about his deadly goblin illness, he puts on a tight black shirt and leather jacket (read: I’m in pain and the world just doesn’t understand meeeeeee). The third supervillain is Rhino, who thank God is only on briefly to give Spiderman back some vim and vigor. But by that time it was 2 ½ hours in and I just wanted to be done. Three supervillains are two too many.      

Then there were all the things in the movie that didn’t make sense, but that I thought way too hard about because nothing I was seeing was holding my attention.
  
Peter Parker breaks up with Gwen Stacey because of that old hero line of “I don’t want to put you in danger!” Plus, he made a deathbed promise to her father! So he decides to leave Gwen Stacey alone to find a new non-super powered boyfriend and moves on and doesn’t try to stop her when she wants to go off to Oxford because she will be safer in another country away from Oscrops supervillains…ahahahaha, right. Of course he stalks her and tries to be “friends” with her and makes out with her in the first utility closet they find themselves in and makes sad puppy faces when she announces she wants to go to Oxford. I *headdesked* when Peter told Gwen that he had been following her (“at least once a day”) and she found it oddly charming. Because if Twilight has taught us anything, it is that girls love it when guys stalk them. It shows he really cares! (guys, please, please do not attempt this in real life) 

Are Gwen and Peter supposed to have just graduated from high school? Looking back at the Wikipedia article about the first rebooted Spiderman film, they were just in high school. Shouldn’t Gwen already be accepted to a college? Why is Oxford just now recruiting her? Are they that big of procrastinators that they don’t offer scholarships until the summer before fall semester? Movie, there is no amount of false drama that you could put in the Gwen Stacey-Peter Parker storyline that would make them interesting. It was a waste of everyone’s time for you to try it and just made it look like you had nothing better to do (which…you didn’t).

Another problem I noticed because I was bored was that New Yorkers crowded at supervillain fight scenes like they were at a concert. Why? Why would they do that? There is a 100% chance that they will be fired upon. People of fake New York: stop standing around fight scenes. Stop it. I know you just want to cheer on Spiderman and give him someone to save. But it’s not worth it, guys. You ALWAYS end up running around screaming. And getting blasted or almost-electrocuted or smashed. Maybe you should start running away when you SEE the supervillain. Especially you parents with your children! I saw you, lady holding a baby! And you, lady with adorable spidersuit-clad child who was somehow surprised when he ran in front of the supervillain. What would make you think he had enough common sense to stay away from bad guys? He learns from watching you. Make better life choices, everyone

Also, between the scene Electro breaks out of electric prison and materializes to smash shit up at Oscorp, he gains an X-Men style skin-tight black suit, complete with lightning bolts. What the…? Where did he get this? Who designed it? Did he make it with his electricity powers (I mean, his powers were surprisingly wide-ranging, from levitation to turning into pure electricity, and Queen Elsa from Frozen could make clothes with her ice powers, so why not)? Why, why was this suit in the movie?? 

And I kept getting focused on Gwen Stacey’s penchant for really cute tops and the most baffling pant choices (were those pants that looked like flannel pj bottoms? were those harem pants?). She also wore the world’s shortest skirt to her Oxford interview. And she had the most adorable collection of brightly-colored coats. Basically, her clothing choices were 90% awesome, 10% distracting. I feel like there’s some kind of thesis here. Film majors, get on this shit.

The upside of this movie was that it had pretty impressive special effects and some decent stabs at humor. Emma Stone’s and Andrew Garfield’s real-life chemistry came through as well, even though during every one of their scenes all I could think was EITHER BREAK UP WITH HER FOR REALS OR GET BACK TOGETHER I DON’T CARE WHICH THIS IS JUST PAINFUL. Even when The Twist That Everyone Who Has Read the Comics Knew Was Coming for Peter Parker/Gwen Stacey finally came, I didn’t care. I was just so ready for the movie to be over at that point. 

Grade: C-

Final Verdict: Boring superhero film with too many villains and too much pointless relationship drama.

Instead, Watch: Spider-Man 2 (2004)